oh my. how my heart longs. longs for more. for greater. for best. i want to expereince the depths and the heights. i don't want to live in this place of ok satisfaction, but to live in a place of seeking out my deepest longings. i want. i want. i want.

i'm tired of playing around with my emotions, the surfacy flirting, and talking. i'm tired of being half-assed at my job b/c i don't like it or see a future with it. i'm tired of wanting, but not being sure of what i want. and most of all i'm tired of just going along with it all.

it is time to step out of my comfort zone. of my lazy, typical ways. so here's to now. whatever it holds.

Summer always gets me thinking about one thing . . . camp. I spent more of my college career in Tyler than I did at my parents. In fact, I lived there about a year when you add it all together, beats my parent's new place by 10 months, and they lived there my entire college career. I digress.

Camp was a huge part of my life; it was an interse desire of my heart for years and that has't changed even though the place and the timing has. I can't help but trust the Lord to fulfill that desire. Maybe that's what Outward Bound will be, maybe there is something else that has yet to come on my radar.

I'm thankful that the Lord didn't take me to Pine Cove after graduation, that He had plans far beyond everything I tried to do for myself. And I tried really hard for my plans. But DC has allowed me to grow in ways that would not have been possible; and my community and friendships, no offense to most of my camp friends or just in general friends, far surpass any that I have ever knows. This world and community ahve challenged, changed and grown me in very necessary ways. I needed to be away. Away from the "Christian Culure," from the expectations, from myself. I was stuck in a mindset that was so off, that it scares me. I found freedom in DC. Freedom I didn't know was possible or existed. I found a church that I thought was only in the New Testament. I finally saw my Christ as someone so much different and more than a upper middle-class white man. And I realized that I found none of these things, that a caring and loving Father brought me here.

What does my future hold this summer? Not sure, I suspect a lot more of the discovery of my Savior, and in light of Him, I find myself getting me a lot better. And although I don't think I will have more clarity on my future, I will know Him better and trust Him more. That's what this life is about. Him. Him. Him.

Now it is mid-April, not that you would know that if you went outside. In March, we had a few days of spring and it was glorious, maybe one day that will come again.

Life continues to move on in DC. This city has become home in the truest since of the word. And I don't regret that.

I am so thankful for my friends at home, the encouragement, support, the prayers. I never thought I would find friends like them. And now I find myself in the midst of them. And oh how I love them! The silly emails, the random phone calls, the incessant giggling, a good night out, percentage crushes, deep conversations, and diligent prayers. My heart is entwined with these women.

Outside of this core group of women, I am surrounded by a solid group of men and women who are incredible examples of people in pursuit of Christ, and who have a lot of fun. I love any evening spent with them, whether it be watching a movie, dancing, driving, eating, or discussing. I'm learning to live in community with my brothers and sisters in the real world. My point in this being is that I learned a lot about community within the property of Pine Cove (and Tyler in general), but we had a special and safe and protected environment. Here, I see people at their best, at their worst, and everything in between. And together we are learning what it means to be Christians in the grown up world; and even just how to be a grown up--cooking for ourselves, fiscal responsibility, social responsibility, etc. And all this takes places in a city that is obsessed with power and money and who you know; where communication is never far away via our blackberrys, our cell phones, where even at a bar the news is on the big screen. We are employees who are creating policy for the nation and putting up with the crap that goes along with paying our dues. We are serious suits by day, but at heart, we are silly, young, mostly type As, pursuing our passion to change the world in whatever ways we can. I love it and them.

And as always, there is my church family. Without them, I would not be here. I am starting to take my place in the body, serving those who have so selflessly served me. A women in the church has agreed to mentor me, and I get to be apart of her family (she is married to one of our pastors), play with their kids and observe and learn from them. This summer I am going to Rwanda, to be apart of our larger church family. To rejoice over 100 years of the Lord's faithfulness and pray over where he continues to lead us. I get to spend 5 days at a lake shore on a game reserve with hundreds upon hundreds of Africans, many who are refugees returning home after the genocide.

And there is this job, although I strongly dislike what I do, being behind a desk and at a computer all day, I love the people that I work with. They have been a far more worthwhile education than any class I ever took. But my time here will close, hopefully sooner rather than later. My friend Pat and I are working with Outward Bound to start an Urban Center her in DC. At some point I will go on staff with them.

And ever with all of this, I still long for something more. The Lord has renewed me. In ways that I didn't know I needed. I didn't know that for several years, I have been in the midst of winter. It wasn't until spring arrived in my own life that I knew that I was new. (and yes this sounds super cheesy, but metaphors are the only way I can even get close to describing what he has done in my life. Words simply won't do) But I am ready to run around the world, lots of me longs for this with a companion, and lots of me longs for this companion to be a husband. But I am not there. And I no longer am telling myself I am not there to trick myself into feeling ok about it, but I truly am not there. I love my independence, my ability to do what I want without really having to take into consideration of others plans and wants and feelings. I am free to drop everything and go, and the moment I am released, well . . .I'm off.